Journal Entry: Tue Dec 30, 2014, 1:20 AM
Well at least for me.
So if you frequent my page you may have noticed something. I've changed my gender and name.
Since I could remember I've always wanted to be a guy. When I was a kid I wanted to be a boy, when I was a tween I wanted to be a guy (even dressing like one and acting like one, except I kept my hair long). Of course I didn't know about sexual orientation back in the day, I only had a concept for gay, straight, and bisexual. At age 10 I realized I liked girls, but I kept it to myself. I thought it was weird. Girls don't like girls they like guys. And thats the thing, I also liked guys. I didn't know what to do.
When I got into junior high I realized I wanted to full heartedly be a guy. But I also wanted to date a guy, which I thought was just... weird? Why would I want to be a man but date a man, I should just remain a lady if thats the way I'm thinking right? I had no idea about transgender people, and how you could be gay and trans and whatever you wanted to throw into the pot. I just didn't know anything.
This is around the same time I came out to a few of my friends as bisexual, and to a select few I whispered to them my dirty little secret of wanting to be a man. Unfortunately, these guys were not the best of friends. One fight later and they end up telling the entire school that I'm gay.
Keep in mind that this is the south. Southern Louisiana to be exact. They must have wished death upon me. I was bullied so badly, I fell into a depression, I wanted to kill myself, I faked being sick so many days because anything was better than going back to school. No one liked me. I was called Dyke and lesbo and... A lot of rude names. In fact these insults got so bad that one time a kid asked me if I was emo and I nearly cried because that was the nicest thing someone had said to me in awhile.
I remember one day I left something in one of my previous classes so I had to excuse myself from the class I was in at that moment to go and fetch it. (It was a pencil, it was my pencil. You don't mess with an artist's pencil) so I walk into the room and the class goes silent and then I hear "Aren't you the lesbo?" and then calls of me being a lesbo, the bi chick, the emo, are being yelled out at me and the teacher does nothing. So I walk over to where my desk is, ignoring the calling, and get my pencil from a girl who was sitting there (realizing it was my pencil and that I was the school lesbian, she kinda dropped it in disgust. like she's gonna catch the gay).
Fast forward to highschool, I live in Colorado now, insert major trust issues, me hiding behind a blanket of "I'm straight, I only like guys." Of course that was a lie. I liked girls, I liked guys, I wanted to be a guy.
Fast forward to sophomore year, my second anime convention. I meet a trans guy at a con. To my surprise, I didn't realize that was a thing until then. I didn't realize being trans was an option. I was overtaken with joy! So me and this guy exchange numbers, we get to know eachother, we date, we break up. But thanks to him I was able to come out to my mom about being trans. I love her reaction. She said "Oh honey! I knew it!" And I was sitting there like ????? And she explains to me that she always had a feeling I was different, that I was more of a boy. She was proud.
Fast forward, and I'm having doubts. Because I just don't know. I want to wear makeup, I want to wear dresses, but aren't those things for girls? (tumblr hasn't kicked in for me yet). So I start identifying as gender fluid.
Something didn't feel right.
After two years of doubts, after one year of identifying as gender fluid, I've come to a decision.
I am not gender fluid, I think it was another cover for me to feel better about what I liked. I frequently fell into fits of sadness (I wouldn't quite call it depression, but I was sad a lot of the time) that I wasn't a guy. I wanted to be a guy, I wanted to date other guys, I wanted to date girls. I needed to stop dating cis gendered guys who had a problem with the things that I liked and made fun of me for them. I need to date someone who understands.
And now, just recently (like these past couple months) I've made a decision.
I am trans, this is what I feel, the moment I made that decision I felt so much better.
I am a guy, I've chosen the name Oliver (and not just because its hella cute and a lot of cats have that name), and I will now use only male pronouns.
I'm pansexual, trans, and proud! (Also I'm hella gay).